warum schlaf ich immer so traurig ein,...

...

warm brown eyes,...

so i made love with her last weekend,... but there wasn't that feeling of satisfaction after it in me,... after we made it there was just a feeling like freezing to death in me,... i think that's the thing when you sleep with someone and yout don*t got any feelings for this person,... now i'm freezing to death and dunno why,...

i've got no responsibility for her or for our "relationship", though there isn't any relationship,... but i can give no account of it,...

how the things became like that aren't interesting i think,...

so i'll remain like this,...



with greetz

- schally

the world is a madhouse,...

and sometimes i think i'm surrounded by weirdos,... and sometimes I think i'm the only weirdo on the whole world,... some other time i think the silliness in this world is infinite,... some other time i think my silliness is infinite and i'm destroying everything through my silliness,...

if i'd tell you what happend yesterday you'd think i'm crazy,... or you'd think people are crazy,...

i have no idea if someone would/will understand why i'm writing this,... and i think it'll need some words to explain my situation with staying seriously,...


there is an english saying which explains it exactly:"When it rains, it pours!". Surprisingly all started in the Ju again,... at first everything was aight,... - at the end and the time between everything was aight too but,... well - kathi and my black woman (dio) were there - only misses dani were missing then it would've been perfect *GgG* - but i didn't care,... at the beginning,... thomas, mugi, myself and kinda weird german were playing darts - surprisingly -,...

then dio sat beside me when i finished my turn and were looking at me all the time,... than domo joined us and dio and he were whispering some things i didn't understand exceptly on thing:"next weekend", i didn't care until she sayed to me:"next weekend", and I asked:"What will be next weekend?", she said:"nothing..." then she kissed me,... so we were kissing all the time,... until i wonderd what would be next weekend and asked her what she were talking with domo and she sayed:"he told me how i can seduce you...", and I sayed nothing,... later on i asked:"And how would you seduce me",... and dio sayed:"Domo sayed, men are very elementary,... he sayed i only have to grab your balls",... there it was over,... there i became a fit of laughter,... then she was very angry with me and she sayed:"But I wanna make love with you",... and I sayed nothing,... i was floored,... then she asked me:"You don't wanna make love with me?" and I said:" Uuum,... sure but,...",... but there was no 'but' she knows the 'but' already and the but is that she is fifteen,...

before she left, she kissed me and said to me:"i'll catch you" - she said it in german - and I answerd in english with "catch me if you can",... then she left,...


The funny thing is that kathi watched us all the time,... and after she left, kathi said that i'm a little farrow,... and so we talked some shit,... after kathi started a relation with geri and abandonned me,... - i was in love with her at that time - we decided to be brothers and sisters,... so it was easier to deal with the fact,... but yesterday,.... well,... so we are greeting with "Hi Sisterheart" and "Hi Brotherheart",... hm,.... thats not so important,... that either,... hm,... hm,...

let's see,...

yes after all the ju closed 'cause it was closing time and we didn't have it so we went into the barock,... where surprisingly a techno-party was going on,... but i had drunken enough so that wasn't annoying me anymore,... kathi was sitting visávis me and I had seen a reason 'cause i fell in love with her at that time,... her stonecold eyes,... not like dios warm brown eyes or danis also blue eyes,... stonecold eyes,... but this stonecold eyes are always laughing,... that*s the fascinating thing about her eyes,... laughing stonecold eyes,... if they were only one second not laughing everything 100m around her would freeze,... stephen king wrote in the dark tower:"he had eyes like made of blue steel",... that's how her eyes are in my imagination,... blue steel,...

everthing else was uninteressting but here eyes,...

Then Thomas recognized how i was looking at her,... as he left he whisperd to me:"Catch her",... and laid my hand on her shoulder,... and she asked me what thomas said and I said to her:"He said we should marry...",... and she said:"What a nice idea",...

- and that was the second moment in that night i was floored,... and man i dunno what hit me harder,... dios confession that she would like to make love with me,... or a comical plighting of one's troth,... -

so i took her ring off her hand and she took the green ring of my hand - which was a present from her to me in the past - and i kissed the back of her hand and i was looking into her steelblue stonecold eyes and asked her:"Would you be my wife?",... and she smiled her beautiful smile and whisperd:"Yes, I do.", and she kissed the back of my hand and put the ring on my finger and i put her ring onto her finger and it was beautiful,... though it was only fun it was so beautiful,... and there were her stonecold eyes,... eyes made of blue steel,... oh man,... and this smile,... oh god,..


and thats all kinda schizophrenic,... i don't know what you think about that,... but i don't know what to think and so i writed this,...

dunno at all,...


with greetz

- schally

kind of sad...

This day the world was very hard with me,... in the morning i had a very interesting and exiting talk with a friend of mine in the bus,... she said some strange things which made me really happy,... then i had my adat-presentation,... without any bad feeling I started to talk to Mr. Adatlehrer,... but Mr. Adatlehrer seemed not so pleased with my presentation,... or not so pleased with the program i've written and which i was presenting,... there were some mistakes in there which must not have been there,... but i wasn't really caring about what he sad and went on,... after a time he recognized that something in my program wasn't equating with the things i had have presented before and so he asked me to delete my database and rebuild it,...

so and there was the point where it began to hook,... i had made some "corrections" the night before and so the rebuilding wasn't working,... so the program wasn't able to run anymore and i wasn't able to show him the other program which was related to the main-program,...

I tried some little fixes on the script but shortly after that the teacher said that i've flunked and that i'll have an exam about the last 3 years,...


so i was some kind of confused 'cause i've invested some time in the program and was sure that it will be enough for a positive mark but,... well,...

after some coffees and 2 hours later this wasn't so importend anymore,... and then another teacher started to fuck with me,... Mister Wima our half-bearded, half-gay, half-wha'ever PRE-teacher started to pisses me off,... The first 3 hours it was carebear but than he let me look like i was the one to blame 'cause noone got his presentation ready and on the end of the schoolday today i found myself guilty of the second worldwar,...


so i needed some time to selfmotivate again,... i bought me some "schokokeksi" and went with zeili to buy some beer,... then i called my father and told him that i had a real bad day and listened to the things he is always saying if i got a tough day and enjoyed the easysounding words,... like: stiff upper lip,... Just hang in there,... and so on,... then i had a shower and felt completely revived,...

but there's some bitter taste staying there were the other bitter taste of other things that haven't functioned stays,...

Pittin' my strength against myself...

I quit smokin' today,... and man it is hard... and the day isn't over yet... I'm shiverin' lightly... And I'm thinkin' about how it would be now to have a smoke all the time,... let's see how it'll be tommorow,...